What did I sign up for, here?

I don't know why I was so delusional all those years ago when I thought I could master being a Mother late in life, or at least muster the energy to do so. Having just celebrated our third Family Day with Pumpkin, it's getting harder and harder to make it.

I've got an energetic four-year-old that is prone to repeating everything I tell her, ignoring everything I ask of her, stomping her feet or grunting in opposition to my requests, fighting me at every turn for the routine tasks like teeth brushing and can even emphatically tell me to leave her alone without batting an eye. Spankings, time-outs, no t.v. or computer....nothing really works to combat these issues, either. More often than not, she'll look at me mid-punishment and continue the bad behaviour at the same time. Challenging, yes. I was told once that 4 would be much worse than 3 and so far that has been the case.

On top of my demon child, I've got a husband that works long hours at his job and hasn't quite read the memo that I've sent requesting help when the sun goes down. I'm holding out hope, but so far it appears my flares burn out before reaching their target. I'm starting to think a strike is in order. A quick little walk-out that hopefully results in a negotiator, improved benefits and definite time off for good behavior, or at least hazard pay; I'll take what I can get!

Mind you, it's not all bad. And I honestly catch myself thinking of my poor mother who had four kids in five years with none of the niceties like microwave meals, an automatic washer or dishwasher, disposable diapers, cable, movies....nothing but two breasts, a strong back, and a lot of patience. Well, she did have a big family that she could take us to for play dates. But, she still managed to self-parent (my Dad worked full-time and ran our small farm after work, not to mention the mind-set of his generation which mandated his role to wage earner) all of us. I don't know how my mother did it at all. I remember her losing patience with us and now wonder why she didn't do it more often. Or, how did she keep her sanity?

My baby is growing up so quickly that I regret that I even think of the bad times. There are so many wonderful times; conversations involving her vivid and creative imagination, hearing her use manners without being prompted, seeing her hug people so freely and lovingly, watching her learn to write a letter or word for the first time. There are many, many wonderful moments in each day I spend with my daughter. However, I would be lying if I didn't point out that Motherhood is not for the weak, impatient or naiive.

I used to think I had control of my life, and perhaps it is because I realize I do not that I'm somewhat frustrated. As someone who is admittedly selfish and loves her time alone, knowing that I can't just 'take five' like I used to is a bone of contention. Then again, I never had anyone tell me "I'm the greatest Mom in the whole world," either. I never knew the joy of just watching someone sleep, smile, laugh, learn...live before.

Life is about trade offs, I guess. I am a Mother and I am subject to joy, anger, frustration, amazement, love, hatred, wonderment and incomprehension. I would love to walk away some days, but deep down inside, I know I'd come running back in a heartbeat. If nothing else, I'm needed here. And, on most days, loved, too. I wouldn't trade that for anything!